


Avengers vs Interviews

by crownglass39



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Team Feels, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 15:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3815374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownglass39/pseuds/crownglass39
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not saying the Avengers are protecting the cinematic likenesses during interviews. </p><p>I'm not saying they're NOT either. </p><p>I just know they also don’t pull any punches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers vs Interviews

**Author's Note:**

> I started this two months ago. 
> 
> I was inspired to finish it today after hearing about some interesting interview mishaps. 
> 
> This is a work of fiction. It has real people in it. Now usually I squick pretty easily at RPF but this is humorous look at some, lets face it, horrible interviews.  
> I'm not trying to justify anything anyone said anywhere. I just wanted to write a funny fic and that's where this is coming from. 
> 
> There's a very small reference to Bucky/Cap in this fic. Blink and you'll miss it. 
> 
> This is mostly about team feels. Rating is for language  
> \---

Inevitably the reporter asks "So what do you think of your fans who write fanfic? Have you seen the ones where Captain America and Bucky Barnes are having wild, graphic sex with each other?"

The question is rude beyond all measure. There's no good way out. It's meant to demean the fans and what they do, and they're looking for Chris to turn red or act all embarrassed or alienate a portion of his fan base who spend a great deal of time showing their love for his characters and his work and he won't do that.

He just won't.

"I don't know," he replies with a grin. "I don't think that's any more strange than journalist fanfic, do you? "

He pulls out his smartphone and shows the screen to the now wrong footed journalist. His grin is not quite what you’d call shit-eating, but it’s close.

Damn close

"Oh look! Here's one with you in it!" he points to his screen. "It even has artwork attached!"

The journalist sputters and tries (inelegantly) to recover.

“What? How? WHY?”

“So…” Chris turns his gaze back to the hapless reporter, “What do YOU think of your fans who write fanfic. Have you seen the ones where journalists are having wild, graphic sex with each other and thinking up the most inappropriate, rude, misogynistic questions they can think of? "

The journalist sputters and tries to get up but is thwarted by his tangled microphone wires.

Chris pushes on ...not unlike another journalist did with one of his cohorts not just a week ago.

“Oh!” he says gleefully, “Here’s another one!”

He scrolls through several pages, “It even turns out that there's a whole section of fanfic written around how the journalists sit around thinking up the most horrible, embarrassing, inappropriate questions to ask AND..." He scrolls through several more pages, "the winner gets to be the guest of honor at a gangbang!”

The journalist finally detangles himself from his wiring and storms out of the interview.

Chris looks up and says, “What?! I was just asking questions!”

Way back in a dark corner of the studio a bare hint of Iron Man’s chest light illuminated the thumbs up given to Chris.

\---

Sadly, some reporters are a little slow on the uptake and they don’t figure out that the REAL Avengers (Maybe they’re from another dimension. Who knows? Who cares?) are protecting their likenesses and don’t play favorites. They also don’t pull any punches.

Not too long after the incident with Chris, a reporter asks Scarlett another stupid question about food. She manages (barely) not to roll her eyes and tries valiantly to answer the question as politely as possible even though she’s answered the same one FIFTY MILLION TIMES. Honestly, she’s answered this banile question so many times it doesn’t even bother her anymore. She’s ruminating on WHY they always ask her about food when the reporter comes out of left field with a new question.

Oh, and she can tell by the glint in his eye that he knows he’s asking a doozy.

“So,” he interrupts as they ALL do, “don’t you feel guilty about putting the health of your child at risk by filming while pregnant?”

His smile is slimy and just a little bit evil around the edges and she can tell he feels NO remorse for asking such a personal question.

She has to swallow twice before even opening her mouth to answer, her first instinct of “how DARE you!” being slightly rude (if appropriate) response to this type of question.

She barely gets her mouth open when one sleek arrow PIERCES the journalist’s mug, not one inch away from the man’s finger. When he looks up, a second arrow lands in between his legs just shy of his balls.

Scarlett sits back and grins as the idiot runs off in fear. She sees a flash of black in the shadows and throws a small salute Clint’s way.

After that, every time someone asks her a stupid question an arrow hits the wall JUST outside of frame shot. Each time the reporter persists with the stupid questions, they get perilously closer.

\---

 ****The actors, for once in a long while, start to enjoy giving interviews again.

Whenever someone makes Sebastian blush, the lights go green or the sound cuts out. On one very memorable incident the reporter JUST finished asking, “So what do you think of your character being the new villain?” when the interview had to be scrapped entirely.

Someone (they never found out who) yelled “SMASH!” in the background. It shocked so many people that the camera operator jiggled the shot and the sound person audibly squeaked. No one noticed that Sebastian was the only one who was unsurprised by the unexpected outburst.

\---

Mark got hit by a question out of left field one day when a reporter asked about some of his political views in an interview with Nickelodeon. While not something he ever backs away from, there’s a time and a place and this IS. NOT. IT.

Fortunately, the reporter was distracted when a flying object came zipping through and nicked the camera. The take was completely blown and the reporter was far too flustered to continue.

Maybe, just maybe, someone might have whispered, “Wait! Was that a SHIELD?!” but from there on in the incident was only referred to in hushed whispers by all involved.

They never did get all the pee stains out of the chair upholstery in which the  reporter was sitting.

\---

 ****Whenever someone asks Chris H about his "favorite part of " a female actress, the reporter gets a death glare from Natasha just barely visible from the shadows. Ditto on questions about how he misses his family.

How Natasha manages to keep herself hidden from everyone but the reporter is a mystery. Reporters always swear she was there and Chris learns to perfect his, “Yeah, okay buddy...I’ll be nice to the crazy person ™” look.

Unfortunately, he has a LOT of practice.

\---

The death glares are so pervasive that one interview with a woman’s magazine had the wise reporter flip the misogynistic questions from Scarlett to Mark.

 ****\---

Anthony doesn’t rattle too easily. He’s an easy going guy by nature. Although he’s prone to saying some dumb things from time to time and even so, no one likes their “interesting quotes” rubbed in their faces, even if they ARE about sandwiches.

One day, after one such question, the interview had to be halted because of a freak storm blew into their beautiful outdoor venue.

Anthony was never happier to be rained out of a question.

\---

After one particularly glaring incident, Robert was sometimes subjected to questions about his past, which even he could admit was not made of fairy tales and glitter.

Unicorns, sometimes, perhaps.

But never glitter.

Robert’s pretty good at deflecting and handling himself (not THAT way!) but even he gets worn down by idiots who won’t take a hint.

Occasionally, if the question is especially egregious, one of Bucky's knifes thunks into the wall. The reporter notices but it is ALWAYS too faint for the camera to pick up.

Always.

After a while all it takes is a mysterious metallic whirr to sound in the background for even the most veteran reporters to step back in line.  

\---

Once someone asks about Renner's personal life. Jeremy was none too surprised when one of Bucky's small round flash-bangs rolled into view and blew out the mics.

\---

Then there was the fateful spring day they had a cast interview. It was a gorgeous day, blue sky as far as the eye could see and they were all antsy and itching to enjoy the nice weather.

The interviews were moving along swimmingly and everyone was on their collective best behavior.

Then someone pulled out an NC17 pic of the cast in ...was that a puppy pile? Steve and Bucky definitely had a place of honor in the picture and who knew that the Winter Soldier was so BENDY?

Shared amongst themselves it might have been amusing, but here in this context it was just meant to make them uncomfortable.

Oddly enough it was only the cast that didn’t seem surprised when a lightning strike caused a massive blackout.

\---

No one fucks with Sam Jackson.

No one

\---

That isn’t to say that the actors never fuck up.

They do.

Interviews are tedious.

They’re tiring.

They have to talk when they really, really, REALLY have to pee. And sometimes they say some BONEHEADED thing that will be repeated ad nauseum and ad infinitum.

One not-so-momentous occasion Chris looked up after being slap happy and juvenile and just KNEW he fucked up.

And, yep, that right there nearly hidden in the shadows of the studio was Cap wearing his "I'm disappointed in you" face followed by the "I expected better of you" shake of his head.

Chris issued an apology the next day.

\---

And maybe that’s what happened with all the interviews with the cast.

Maybe not.

But what if...

 


End file.
